One day arises and a glimpse is seen of what has been missed and has not been done and how time has passed in spite of life uninvolved. Looking around, one sees the messes left around; sees the things undone. If it were you, maybe you would find yourself again overwhelmed, unable to overcome, imprisoned by an inability to live life as you once did.
You might find yourself imprisoned by feeling you can’t understand. You’d feel feeling of sadness and loss of self-esteem, loss of self worth. It’s like others don’t care anymore. The one you love no longer loves you and wants bad things to happen to you. Rationally, from time to time the realization of the fallacy of all this comes through. But only for a time and it’s quickly replaced by intermittent images of your lover loving someone else because you are no longer worthy of such love; not pretty enough, too fat, etc, etc. Feelings of self-hate overwhelm your heart. You believe yourself to be a bad Mother or a bad Father. Maybe you don’t share these thoughts with anyone but you think about them. You find you can’t concentrate and can’t remember things. Someone may ask a question; you should easily know the answer, but it does not come. So feelings of idiocy overwhelm your mind. Missed appointments, rescheduling them. Incompetent. You feel alone.
Loneliness overwhelms and entraps, even in the company of others. But the company of others is something undesired. Isolation becomes a new best friend. Maybe the company of dogs or cats will fit as they can sleep as much as you. They seem to like the fact that someone will sleep with them all day and stay home all the time. They don’t judge like others, like you are doing to yourself. Outside of the pets you don’t want to see anyone. There are many different reasons why it just depends on the time. Sometimes you just want to be alone. Other times you are ashamed to be seen maybe this time it’s because you haven’t even brushed your hair.
How can brushing hair be so hard? It’s difficult to believe that just doing the activities of daily living can be as demanding as climbing a mountain might be. And yet, the day may go by and you don’t brush your hair. Days may go by and you don’t even bathe. It’s just takes too much energy. You want to eat but cooking would take too much effort even if you could decide what you want to eat. Decisions are at times an overwhelming task and that indecisiveness can result in anxiety that cripples. Activities of daily living, once simple and routine are such complex tasks; just living at times, so tortuous. But every now and then a few moments of escape bless you with some temporary tease of functionality.
Writing these thoughts on most days would have been impossible if not for the teasing now enjoyed. But how long can it last? It hasn’t lasted before. It’s just a reprisal, a temporary leave, and parole with the resentencing looming. Desire, desire, desire. How in this time of leave you desire to commit again to the things you used to do, but for fear of the relapse you are sure will come, you cannot. You cannot face those you have let down.
It’s hard to come back after feeling the shame of letting so many down. And feeling that shame is a ball and chain that keeps one from getting back involved in their social obligations. That of feeling like an outcast has long since replaced that feeling of belonging.
Yes, it’s hard for even me to believe that one could be so entrapped for such a time, by such a state of mind. But in it is where, I find, I reside. And if you cannot understand what it is that is spoken of, be thankful for you are blessed.
I implore, try not to look on with decisions of mind for it is not something one decides to do. Try not to stand in judgment, for their judgment of themselves is much more critical than yours could ever be. Try not to look with eyes that see the outer self, although it can reflect the inner turmoil, it is not who we are. Try not to think the good in life is not ever seen, when many give thanks every day for the multitude of blessings. And please try to realize that underneath it all there is a whole person, maybe a lot like you, but whose strengths have been crushed by the weight of his or her own heaviness of heart.
Thank you, all of you who offer your strength to those who know this fate. Thank you for being there for them when at times it must be so tremendously hard. Thank you for loving them and your loyalty to them. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for standing with them when it would seem so easy for you to leave. Thank you, in spite of all the accusations and let downs you face, for being there and not letting go. Thank you for prayers and thoughts and trying to help find better days. Thank you for all those things you do to make these lives a better place. Maybe one day a better place will be found and the chains of imprisonment will be left empty to rust in a forsaken place and time in a darkness that is far away from mine.