Tags: memories

ButterflyEye

Singing The Rain King


Emerald Coast

I woke an ache In my heart
Singing The Rain King in my mind
Memories from a far away place
A very distant time
In his dream, it's me
he's carried away
(with a black winged bird)

Deep in my chest
A fight to escape
The pain disturbs me
But today, I don't mind the unrest
I wonder What it means
And for a moment... I don't ...
But I already know
So I lament this truth
One is never too young to grow

In your dream
you carry her away
over a moon lit sea
In your dream,
Night turns into day
Serene is easy be
Your blue water way
Too crystal clear
for me to see
(In your dream)
Is my dream laced
Within your reality

In your dream
As night turns to day
You awake
Having woke
The memory of me.

Its in the memories
You have of me
Where I find such solitude
I wonder are we
So alone in this world of people
Dead in a sea of life
Tears in a face of laughter
Too blind
To leave the night

(Where)

It's always raining
Storms of tears
Yet to be cried
Rivers
Run down my face
To the ocean
Where you reside
(I don't mind)

In my dream I'm carried away
You carry me away
Yet
I wake to find
I only woke an ache In my heart
and
The Rain King on my mind
ButterflyEye

Public Domain


I've been taking a scroll through ebooks that are public domain.I'm so glad I live in this time and place where so much is available to and not yet a crime to, read. And free; costs nothing but time. (And having to explain yourself as to why you didn't get things done).

I remember as a young girl going to the library. And yes as a matter of fact, I did walk. Yes, it was uphill, only on the way home though but that doesn't diminish the size of the hill. Anyway, I remember walking through bamboo and thinking that was the coolest thing. When inside the library, I would listen to Bob Dylan with headphones and that was pretty cool too. Dylan was on record albums for inter library use only and I think I wore those albums out. Librarians would see me coming and know they'd be replacing the needle on the record player before long.

There were no bookstores like today's Barnes & Nobles, etc. Those that were, were local places. To the best of my knowledge there weren't national chains. Maybe I just didn't pay attention. There was after all plenty of times in my life when I didn't have time to read or so I thought. Still as best I can recall it was sometime in the 80s when I saw what I think was the precursor to places like B&N, Books a Million, and others - it was Waldenbooks. Whatever happened there, they had the right idea.

BUT TODAY it is so easy. We've come out of the age of chalk and slate. No excuses though. Say, kids today and that book report - cant say you lost your book - not if you have a smart phone and who besides my mom and dad does not?

And if you know and have direct experience with some of the things in this post, ha. You are as lucky as am I!!!

Brat

Blue Ribbons

Blue ribbons waltz
In the wind
Every now and then
Come together
Again
But for the most
Just inadvertently blow
And with the wind,
We go
Paler we’ve become
With time
Interwoven are lives
Like yours and mine
It’s hard now
To see that radiant blue
Having become so faded
From dreams that did
And didn’t come true
Have they left us so weary
And jaded
Pale blue ribbons
Wind torn
Much older now
We’ve grown
Are we now too frayed
And worn
If there were time
To do it all again
Would we still be
This far apart
My dear friend
Pale blue ribbons cut loose
To blow free
In the wind
But I remember too
When ribbons,
So brilliantly blue
Amiably bonded
Me and you
ButterflyEye

Writing On A Canyon Wall



This affliction from so long  ago
How can it  accost my soul
Holding me at bay
In places so far away

How dare the window of time
Open my heart and my mind
Loving so young, so early in life
Loving against such strife

Buried feelings grow strong again
How is it so, after a lifetime of mend
With clarity I see a face
The passions of love, it's first embrace
I remember well, the taste

How can this swell within my heart
When years of living have held apart
Content to be where I am today
What could cause me to feel this way

Why would I now wonder, What if
When what became is petroglyph
Writing on a canyon wall
A maiden in her prayer shawl
Praying to every god she did and didn’t know
For tranquility to find her soul
Arms lifted upward to the sky
Take this pain, lest I die
And with the passage of time,
sacred abodes crumbled
The painful groans no longer rumbled
Vivid memories, they faded
Inscriptions on the walls, degraded

So how dare the window of time
Open my heart and my mind
Beckoning me to this uncontrolled condition
Compelling this memory to recognition

It felt so good to hold on tight
But I had to let go, a drizzly night
In anguish I conceded to valediction
Sallow memories, and heartbreak accompany this apparition

Surely, I meant what I did say
When I said, I will love you, always
I find in this dry river's turbulent flow
You, Intimately entwined with my soul
ButterflyEye

Morning Dog Bliss

Blessed abiding.

I didn’t feel this way when I first awoke today. But what was it that changed and caused me to feel this way? As I lay in bed just waking from sleep, I experienced something I do almost daily. But today, I appreciated, really lived the moment with the awareness that each moment deserves. And it was my dogs that brought light to the situation, as they often do.

It is such a blessed feeling, to those that love dogs; those that don’t have no an idea of what they miss; but to those that do, it is a blessed feeling to wake each day and feel the warmth surrounding you. Listen to the breath of life flow in and out of their lungs with an occasional snort or snore. Feel them nestled close. Reposition, unintentionally moving ever so slight away and so do they move, once again, snuggling ever contiguous as if they are a part of you. (Really they are, but that is something I might discuss in detail at another time. Suffice it to say, I believe your animals, the ones you chose or those that chose you have done so for a reason).

Nonetheless, back to the moments in time, now just a memory and residual feelings that fade as each moment passes now. As I awoke, I lay on my side and nestled behind, at the bend of my legs is one, so small and seemingly fragile, Evie. Behind my back is another; Duke with his head lying on my neck. Before me, at the bend between my lower abdomen and thighs lays Nelly. Willow lies at my chest, staring at me, insisting that I pet her since I am obviously now awake. She is so soft. It is undesired for her breed but I like it on her; it suits her personality. There is yet another dog, Dora who is an adolescent. She does not have full nighttime bed privileges yet, as she is still learning to NOT chew up and spread about the contents of the bed she sleeps in, pillows, bedspreads and such. She is crated next to the bed for now. But I am aware of her. She is waking too, rustling around every now and then.

The feelings I feel, before feeling crowded and saying, “Come on, let’s get up” are of such wonderment. In those moments, I am filled with love. No worries. All of life is here and now, infinity in each moment. There is no right, no wrong, just contentment, and I am at peace. There are no thoughts of what needs to be done or what should have been done. Just the moment and that, is not even a thought, it is an experience of existing in each instant as it happens. It’s a reality that we miss out on when we get so caught up in our lives. Nonetheless, it was a time of innocence and guiltlessness.

After the fact, I realized that I had been completely absorbed in living each moment; by then it had become thoughts and memories of what had passed. I felt somewhat euphoric in the realization of what occurred. Just remembering what had happened, however long it was, caused me to feel pleased. I wanted to hug the whole world. Knowing that everyone needs a sincere display of friendliness and loving-kindness every now and then.


It is hard for many to believe that dogs can make one feel this way but I know first hand they do. Maybe I, and the rest of the dog loving population are weird; I know we are crazy, but to many of us, we even like our dogs better than we like most people.

Dogs are not complicated. People are. If a dog doesn’t like you, you’re going to know it, most of the time before he bites you in the ass. People, on the other hand, I believe will act as though they are your friend and much to your surprise when you wake up face down in the dirt, knife in your back, guess who. Why does it consistently shock people when the one’s who you think are your friends, betray? Don’t get me wrong; I don’t hate anyone. I have compassion for everyone. But I don’t like everyone.

I love dogs. Those dogs that don’t like me, and there are a few, I still like them. They are honest; I respect honesty. And honesty is an endangered trait among people these days. If you have it or know someone who does, take a moment to be thankful. If you have a dog, be extraordinarily thankful. Know someone who does, you can be thankful too.


Dedicated to Brat, whose presence is always with me.
ButterflyEye

What Was, Will Always Be

What was, will always be
What passes, always remains
Not only in photographs and memories
But in our hearts, that are forever changed

Love forever resides in our soul
Touched by a life so clean
It’s sad that many will never know
Devotion from ones so supreme

Tears, we cry when the essence changes so much
Heartbreak we know deep inside
Missing what we can no longer, physically touch
But what has gone remains by our side

What was, will always be
What passes, always remains
Not only in photographs and memories
But in our hearts, that are forever changed
ButterflyEye

My Soul in Separation

There is a longing in my heart

A longing I cannot explain

Sadness that bores to my core

My inner being

I long to know you

For love you, I do

But know you, I do not

For we have never touched

Nor met eye to eye

But I’m touched by you

Somewhere deep inside

A distant lifetime

A place so long ago

Memories have vanished

But yet, I still know

I know, I know you

Souls having met before

Tangled in time

A distant shore

Love

The longing I feel

Yearning

No.

No, not to be your lover

Nor to share passion’s kiss

Reunite

To that part of my soul

I often miss

My soul in separation

Fragments of me

They reside in you

Were you to perceive

Of me

Would you feel it too

ButterflyEye

Imprisonment

It’s hard to believe that one could be so overwhelmed for such a period of time. It’s hard to believe that life’s tasks could be so very difficult. It’s hard to admit to others that you are no longer able to do things once done and things once done well. So much time passes and one hardly realizes where the time has gone.

One day arises and a glimpse is seen of what has been missed and has not been done and how time has passed in spite of life uninvolved. Looking around, one sees the messes left around; sees the things undone. If it were you, maybe you would find yourself again overwhelmed, unable to overcome, imprisoned by an inability to live life as you once did.

You might find yourself imprisoned by feeling you can’t understand. You’d feel feeling of sadness and loss of self-esteem, loss of self worth. It’s like others don’t care anymore. The one you love no longer loves you and wants bad things to happen to you. Rationally, from time to time the realization of the fallacy of all this comes through. But only for a time and it’s quickly replaced by intermittent images of your lover loving someone else because you are no longer worthy of such love; not pretty enough, too fat, etc, etc. Feelings of self-hate overwhelm your heart. You believe yourself to be a bad Mother or a bad Father. Maybe you don’t share these thoughts with anyone but you think about them. You find you can’t concentrate and can’t remember things. Someone may ask a question; you should easily know the answer, but it does not come. So feelings of idiocy overwhelm your mind. Missed appointments, rescheduling them. Incompetent. You feel alone.

Loneliness overwhelms and entraps, even in the company of others. But the company of others is something undesired. Isolation becomes a new best friend. Maybe the company of dogs or cats will fit as they can sleep as much as you. They seem to like the fact that someone will sleep with them all day and stay home all the time. They don’t judge like others, like you are doing to yourself. Outside of the pets you don’t want to see anyone. There are many different reasons why it just depends on the time. Sometimes you just want to be alone. Other times you are ashamed to be seen maybe this time it’s because you haven’t even brushed your hair.

How can brushing hair be so hard? It’s difficult to believe that just doing the activities of daily living can be as demanding as climbing a mountain might be. And yet, the day may go by and you don’t brush your hair. Days may go by and you don’t even bathe. It’s just takes too much energy. You want to eat but cooking would take too much effort even if you could decide what you want to eat. Decisions are at times an overwhelming task and that indecisiveness can result in anxiety that cripples. Activities of daily living, once simple and routine are such complex tasks; just living at times, so tortuous. But every now and then a few moments of escape bless you with some temporary tease of functionality.

Writing these thoughts on most days would have been impossible if not for the teasing now enjoyed. But how long can it last? It hasn’t lasted before. It’s just a reprisal, a temporary leave, and parole with the resentencing looming. Desire, desire, desire. How in this time of leave you desire to commit again to the things you used to do, but for fear of the relapse you are sure will come, you cannot. You cannot face those you have let down.

It’s hard to come back after feeling the shame of letting so many down. And feeling that shame is a ball and chain that keeps one from getting back involved in their social obligations. That of feeling like an outcast has long since replaced that feeling of belonging.

Yes, it’s hard for even me to believe that one could be so entrapped for such a time, by such a state of mind. But in it is where, I find, I reside. And if you cannot understand what it is that is spoken of, be thankful for you are blessed.

I implore, try not to look on with decisions of mind for it is not something one decides to do. Try not to stand in judgment, for their judgment of themselves is much more critical than yours could ever be. Try not to look with eyes that see the outer self, although it can reflect the inner turmoil, it is not who we are. Try not to think the good in life is not ever seen, when many give thanks every day for the multitude of blessings. And please try to realize that underneath it all there is a whole person, maybe a lot like you, but whose strengths have been crushed by the weight of his or her own heaviness of heart.

Thank you, all of you who offer your strength to those who know this fate. Thank you for being there for them when at times it must be so tremendously hard. Thank you for loving them and your loyalty to them. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for standing with them when it would seem so easy for you to leave. Thank you, in spite of all the accusations and let downs you face, for being there and not letting go. Thank you for prayers and thoughts and trying to help find better days. Thank you for all those things you do to make these lives a better place. Maybe one day a better place will be found and the chains of imprisonment will be left empty to rust in a forsaken place and time in a darkness that is far away from mine.